so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
