Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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