The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
When are your genitals available?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
