A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
