mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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