Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
