The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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