Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
