I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
