the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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