I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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