i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
