he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
