so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
