I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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