My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
