Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
