I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
