you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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