What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
