YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
