i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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