OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
