my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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