Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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