My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
