I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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