I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
