After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
