im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
