Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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