I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
