the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
