I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
