I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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