I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
