let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
