I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Randomize
