grandma shit on top of the toilet
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
