high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
