I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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