seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
