Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
