i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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