me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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