all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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