my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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