oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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