So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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