i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
