woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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